While I tout myself for being an excellent (fast) driver in all conditions, there are even times when I myself must slow down for the conditions. In the rare event that this happens, unlike all of you cocksuckers, I stay to the right.. today was one of those mornings.
Raining here pretty damn hard this morning, left for work late, so traffic was not as heavy as usual, although still totally fucked though due to the rain. These conditions are ideal for spotting the next fool on the list, the lunasstic..
This dumb shit for brains fool has absolutely no concern for safety, no concept of the issue of hydro-planing, has x-ray vision, formula-1 racecar training, and the ability to safely pilot his piece of shit car through the heaviest of downpours. This retard of the road weaves through traffic when conditions are absolutely horrid, heavy downpours with zero-visibility causing ponding water between lanes, nothing will stop Johnny Jackass from getting to Wendy's for his triple quarter pounder, even death. You'll again catch up with this fool when you finally get to the end of the traffic backup, the flashing lights of police cars and ambulances are a dead give away.
To balance the universe every force must have its opposing equal, this brings us to the Rain Pussy. Almost ALWAYS found in the left lane impeding traffic flow, even the slightest hint of moisture in the air will cause this half-brained asshole to slow down. God forbid its drizzling, it must be the end of the god damn world, how on earth are you supposed to drive in this shit? What the fuck will you do? Is you're life insurance paid up? What will come of your family?
Dumbass.
What fucking reason do you have for staying in the left lane? Oh thats right, you dont want anyone in front of you throwing up some road spray. Well news flash asshole, you cant avoid it, turn your wipers up a notch and move the fuck over. If you are not comfortable driving in the rain, then exit off the fucking highway and wait for it to pass. Don't slow down the rest of the world because you are worried your god damn all-wheel-drive subaru with brand new all-season tires on it cant handle a little light rain. You see, its actually pretty easy to drive in the rain, sit down children, its lesson time-
How to drive in the rain:
1) turn wipers and headlights on
2) continue on as normal
The end. If you cant understand that, go back to the DMV and return your drivers license, you shouldn't have it to begin with.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
You should go to the bathroom...
...Because you're full of shit.
Today's spotlight is on this perfect twofer, the can't merge & can't exit douchebag.
You'll spot this one pretty easily, when traffic slows to a crawl approaching exit on and off ramps, this fool is to blame. Easier to identify on a less congested road, this rage inspiring, mentally defective bag of shit has absolutely no idea the concept of a deceleration/acceleration lane.
First, lets get into the technical details of an exit on/off ramp- there's not much too it. Most people tend to slow down to go around the sharp curves of an exit off ramp, when these were designed, this was kept in mind. Ever notice how on the highway there is an extra little lane that forms prior to the exit? Didn't think so jackass.. they put that there so you get over, THEN slow down to go around the exit ramp. It's that simple.
Just as easy to figure out, when you go to merge onto a highway- thats right, I said MERGE.. NOT stop- these genius engineers of our highway system almost always provide an -acceleration- lane. This is NOT a slow down and fucking stop lane, I know, hard to figure out right? Dumbass.
Take a moment and absorb that, if there is any room in that peanut sized brain of yours.
Now, with all of that fresh in your mind, why in the fuck can you people not understand how to fucking merge onto or off of a highway? Chaos ensues at every mother fucking interchange on the highway, its simple to avoid. If you are exiting, get over to the exit deceleration lane before you god fucking damn slow down! There is no need to bring the right lane of traffic down to 30mph just so you can get into the deceleration lane of the exit.
If you are merging, STEP ON THE GAS! Your car has at least 2 pedals, a gas and a brake, for a fucking reason. You speed up when you merge onto a HIGHWAY. When you STOP some other jackass, already on the highway- quite possibly one of your own cant merge people- will inevitably feel the need to also come to a stop to let you over. This by the way, is yet another thing you can learn from the Maryland drivers handbook, it specifically states that you are not supposed to fucking slow down the highway to let someone over.
It's not supposed to work like that, it does not work like that, you cause traffic, accidents and road rage. Learn to fucking drive before you get on the damn highway.
Now what about those no-merge lane on-ramps? Easy, use your fucking eyes. If you don't have them you should not be behind the wheel of a car. Get off the cell phone, stop drinking your Starbucks, and look as you are approaching the highway on the ramp, see an opening and pace yourself so that you can slide in WITHOUT slamming on the brakes. This might actually involve accelerating, so nut up already. Real complicated huh? Not really, you're just a dim-wit.
Now this pinheaded behavior is not limited to highways, the same applies to simple right-turn lanes at intersections. Ever notice when you are going to turn right from a side street onto a major road, there is usually that little white line that for some strange fucking reason forms a brief 200ft lane? Ever wonder why that is there?
Don't fucking sit in a right turn lane and wait for the fucking light to turn green, you back up traffic, and you're dumbassedness slows the few of us intelligent drivers down. You turn out into that 200ft lane, its there for, you guessed it, ACCELERATION. Get into that lane, and fucking step on the gas, merge into traffic. Some of you fuckfaces seem to think you need to turn right onto a two lane road, and simply bypass the right lane, going straight into the left. You sit there waiting for a big enough hole in traffic where you wont have to use the gas pedal, this behavior is completely fucking unacceptable. Here's a news flash, if you use the acceleration lane as intended, speed up and merge into traffic, you can then get over to the left lane. Although no one wants you there.
As an addition, it is completely un-fucking-acceptable to simply drive in the left lane of the highway in fear of merging traffic. Or to wait until the last minute to move from left to right lane to exit. If you know your exit is coming up, get the fuck over ahead of time, if you dont know - then you shouldnt be in the left lane anyway you fuckbag. Yet all of you fucking morons do it, get off the highway, you are the problem, asshole.
Today's spotlight is on this perfect twofer, the can't merge & can't exit douchebag.
You'll spot this one pretty easily, when traffic slows to a crawl approaching exit on and off ramps, this fool is to blame. Easier to identify on a less congested road, this rage inspiring, mentally defective bag of shit has absolutely no idea the concept of a deceleration/acceleration lane.
First, lets get into the technical details of an exit on/off ramp- there's not much too it. Most people tend to slow down to go around the sharp curves of an exit off ramp, when these were designed, this was kept in mind. Ever notice how on the highway there is an extra little lane that forms prior to the exit? Didn't think so jackass.. they put that there so you get over, THEN slow down to go around the exit ramp. It's that simple.
Just as easy to figure out, when you go to merge onto a highway- thats right, I said MERGE.. NOT stop- these genius engineers of our highway system almost always provide an -acceleration- lane. This is NOT a slow down and fucking stop lane, I know, hard to figure out right? Dumbass.
Take a moment and absorb that, if there is any room in that peanut sized brain of yours.
Now, with all of that fresh in your mind, why in the fuck can you people not understand how to fucking merge onto or off of a highway? Chaos ensues at every mother fucking interchange on the highway, its simple to avoid. If you are exiting, get over to the exit deceleration lane before you god fucking damn slow down! There is no need to bring the right lane of traffic down to 30mph just so you can get into the deceleration lane of the exit.
If you are merging, STEP ON THE GAS! Your car has at least 2 pedals, a gas and a brake, for a fucking reason. You speed up when you merge onto a HIGHWAY. When you STOP some other jackass, already on the highway- quite possibly one of your own cant merge people- will inevitably feel the need to also come to a stop to let you over. This by the way, is yet another thing you can learn from the Maryland drivers handbook, it specifically states that you are not supposed to fucking slow down the highway to let someone over.
It's not supposed to work like that, it does not work like that, you cause traffic, accidents and road rage. Learn to fucking drive before you get on the damn highway.
Now what about those no-merge lane on-ramps? Easy, use your fucking eyes. If you don't have them you should not be behind the wheel of a car. Get off the cell phone, stop drinking your Starbucks, and look as you are approaching the highway on the ramp, see an opening and pace yourself so that you can slide in WITHOUT slamming on the brakes. This might actually involve accelerating, so nut up already. Real complicated huh? Not really, you're just a dim-wit.
Now this pinheaded behavior is not limited to highways, the same applies to simple right-turn lanes at intersections. Ever notice when you are going to turn right from a side street onto a major road, there is usually that little white line that for some strange fucking reason forms a brief 200ft lane? Ever wonder why that is there?
Don't fucking sit in a right turn lane and wait for the fucking light to turn green, you back up traffic, and you're dumbassedness slows the few of us intelligent drivers down. You turn out into that 200ft lane, its there for, you guessed it, ACCELERATION. Get into that lane, and fucking step on the gas, merge into traffic. Some of you fuckfaces seem to think you need to turn right onto a two lane road, and simply bypass the right lane, going straight into the left. You sit there waiting for a big enough hole in traffic where you wont have to use the gas pedal, this behavior is completely fucking unacceptable. Here's a news flash, if you use the acceleration lane as intended, speed up and merge into traffic, you can then get over to the left lane. Although no one wants you there.
As an addition, it is completely un-fucking-acceptable to simply drive in the left lane of the highway in fear of merging traffic. Or to wait until the last minute to move from left to right lane to exit. If you know your exit is coming up, get the fuck over ahead of time, if you dont know - then you shouldnt be in the left lane anyway you fuckbag. Yet all of you fucking morons do it, get off the highway, you are the problem, asshole.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The ghost jackass.
This week lets focus on the different types of jackasses on the roads around here.
Traffic is light today, its a federal holiday so the roads are less congested. Although with that said, there is still just as much traffic, just as many assholes blocking up traffic in the left lane, they are just more spread out today. You are still the fiber-supplement of the highway system, trying to get things moving.. (well not you, you're an asshole.. we're really talking about me here).
This ease of congestion today leads us to the first type of asshole, the ghost jackass.
This fool is usually found impeding traffic flow in the left lane, moving slow at the front of the line. The car immediately behind him is usually several car lengths back- the driver day dreaming about unicorns and pixie dust, completely oblivious to the fact that there are 50 cars to the rear that want to get by this intestinal blockage of the highway.
Work your way up to right behind this shitbag, easing onto the accelerator slightly, slowly closing the gap between your front bumper and his rear bumper. The ghost jackass will actually eventually move over to the right, but thats not the end of your encounter with this sticky problem. Once in the right lane, the ghost jackass becomes quite problematic and annoying. It begins to look like you've made a new friend as this imbecile now speeds up to match your speed, riding right along in your blind spot.
Now you've been observing this blockhead for quite some time, waiting for him to get the fuck out of your way, never breaching a top speed of 60mph. Yet somehow this buffoon has grown a new-found set of testicles, you look down at the speedometer, tapping 80mph and you're new friend is right there with you, riding your blind spot. Too pussy to go fast on his own, perhaps fearing there may be police ahead, with you as his shield he will now stick to you like that crazy ex-girlfriend that just wont go away.
Ah-hah, there is a slow-moving truck in the right lane that surely will foil his plan, but no, ghost jackass will do whatever it takes to not lose you, as you are a highly valuable asset to him. With you in front, ghost jackass becomes an invincible force to be reckoned with, he can now push his car past the limits of the time-space continuum, weave through traffic like a master tailor weaves through fabric, he can withstand the awesome g-forces of his gas pedal, at his control as though he were a space-shuttle astronaut lifting off. This numskull quickly cuts left to avoid the impending doom of the tractor trailer that will surely separate you two, now riding your bumper trying to push you to go faster, all the while this is still the same Bruce Banner that was moving 60mph, for a half hour in the left lane, not more than a mere 5 minutes ago.
You pass the semi, your quick thinking has you move right, figuring the incredible hulk behind the wheel of this ghost jackass 1996 Nissan Sentra (or whatever it may be) will simply pass you and move on. But alas, this psychotic ex-girlfriend of a driver slows down, now riding your left blind spot, perhaps the hulk is no longer mad and has returned to his Bruce Banner-oracle DBA-average Joe Jackass self. You're growing ever-closer to traffic in the right lane in front of you, ghost jackass riding right along, you're forced to slow down as this shit-for-brains is blocking your escape to the left lane. Finally the right lane blockage has forced you to slow back down to under 60mph. Ghost jackass, having returned to his natural comfort zone of 60mph in the left lane slowly eases past you, and you are forced to get back behind him.. starting this vicious cycle all over again.
When dealing with a ghost jackass, you have a few options. You can speed up to mind-shattering speeds, ghost jackass will fall back either because his vehicle cant maintain those types of speeds, or you've just passed his level of insanity. This method usually does not work for long, as you will inevitably hit more traffic and the ghost jackass will creep his way back up behind you. You can simply grab the wheel and swing it right, pretending to not see the ghost jackass in your blind spot. You can wait until ghost jackass gets up your ass and brake check the shit out of him. The most effective way, however, is to introduce another variable. This involves some closely planned timing and lots of observation. Look for another assclown in the right lane that is on the verge of moving into the left to begin a new string of traffic-slowing terror, ideally with a slow-moving semi in front of him. A quick pulse of acceleration to speed up and pass the new assclown before ghost jackass realizes whats going on. If you planned and timed this right the new assclown will now move left, directly in front of ghost jackass. The slow moving semi acts as your right lane shield, the slow moving assclown in front of ghost jackass allows you to hopefully put enough distance between you and ghost jackass for this cockhole to lose you on his radar. Without you, he will return to his natural 60mph left-lane behavior, plotting and waiting for the next unlucky rockstar to pass him on the right.
If you are a ghost jackass, please do the human race a favor and go jump off a cliff. Chances are no one likes you, you do nothing spectacular in life, and you ride the coat tails of everyone around you to advance in life. Go away now.
Traffic is light today, its a federal holiday so the roads are less congested. Although with that said, there is still just as much traffic, just as many assholes blocking up traffic in the left lane, they are just more spread out today. You are still the fiber-supplement of the highway system, trying to get things moving.. (well not you, you're an asshole.. we're really talking about me here).
This ease of congestion today leads us to the first type of asshole, the ghost jackass.
This fool is usually found impeding traffic flow in the left lane, moving slow at the front of the line. The car immediately behind him is usually several car lengths back- the driver day dreaming about unicorns and pixie dust, completely oblivious to the fact that there are 50 cars to the rear that want to get by this intestinal blockage of the highway.
Work your way up to right behind this shitbag, easing onto the accelerator slightly, slowly closing the gap between your front bumper and his rear bumper. The ghost jackass will actually eventually move over to the right, but thats not the end of your encounter with this sticky problem. Once in the right lane, the ghost jackass becomes quite problematic and annoying. It begins to look like you've made a new friend as this imbecile now speeds up to match your speed, riding right along in your blind spot.
Now you've been observing this blockhead for quite some time, waiting for him to get the fuck out of your way, never breaching a top speed of 60mph. Yet somehow this buffoon has grown a new-found set of testicles, you look down at the speedometer, tapping 80mph and you're new friend is right there with you, riding your blind spot. Too pussy to go fast on his own, perhaps fearing there may be police ahead, with you as his shield he will now stick to you like that crazy ex-girlfriend that just wont go away.
Ah-hah, there is a slow-moving truck in the right lane that surely will foil his plan, but no, ghost jackass will do whatever it takes to not lose you, as you are a highly valuable asset to him. With you in front, ghost jackass becomes an invincible force to be reckoned with, he can now push his car past the limits of the time-space continuum, weave through traffic like a master tailor weaves through fabric, he can withstand the awesome g-forces of his gas pedal, at his control as though he were a space-shuttle astronaut lifting off. This numskull quickly cuts left to avoid the impending doom of the tractor trailer that will surely separate you two, now riding your bumper trying to push you to go faster, all the while this is still the same Bruce Banner that was moving 60mph, for a half hour in the left lane, not more than a mere 5 minutes ago.
You pass the semi, your quick thinking has you move right, figuring the incredible hulk behind the wheel of this ghost jackass 1996 Nissan Sentra (or whatever it may be) will simply pass you and move on. But alas, this psychotic ex-girlfriend of a driver slows down, now riding your left blind spot, perhaps the hulk is no longer mad and has returned to his Bruce Banner-oracle DBA-average Joe Jackass self. You're growing ever-closer to traffic in the right lane in front of you, ghost jackass riding right along, you're forced to slow down as this shit-for-brains is blocking your escape to the left lane. Finally the right lane blockage has forced you to slow back down to under 60mph. Ghost jackass, having returned to his natural comfort zone of 60mph in the left lane slowly eases past you, and you are forced to get back behind him.. starting this vicious cycle all over again.
When dealing with a ghost jackass, you have a few options. You can speed up to mind-shattering speeds, ghost jackass will fall back either because his vehicle cant maintain those types of speeds, or you've just passed his level of insanity. This method usually does not work for long, as you will inevitably hit more traffic and the ghost jackass will creep his way back up behind you. You can simply grab the wheel and swing it right, pretending to not see the ghost jackass in your blind spot. You can wait until ghost jackass gets up your ass and brake check the shit out of him. The most effective way, however, is to introduce another variable. This involves some closely planned timing and lots of observation. Look for another assclown in the right lane that is on the verge of moving into the left to begin a new string of traffic-slowing terror, ideally with a slow-moving semi in front of him. A quick pulse of acceleration to speed up and pass the new assclown before ghost jackass realizes whats going on. If you planned and timed this right the new assclown will now move left, directly in front of ghost jackass. The slow moving semi acts as your right lane shield, the slow moving assclown in front of ghost jackass allows you to hopefully put enough distance between you and ghost jackass for this cockhole to lose you on his radar. Without you, he will return to his natural 60mph left-lane behavior, plotting and waiting for the next unlucky rockstar to pass him on the right.
If you are a ghost jackass, please do the human race a favor and go jump off a cliff. Chances are no one likes you, you do nothing spectacular in life, and you ride the coat tails of everyone around you to advance in life. Go away now.
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