The ghost jackass.

This week lets focus on the different types of jackasses on the roads around here.


Traffic is light today, its a federal holiday so the roads are less congested.  Although with that said, there is still just as much traffic, just as many assholes blocking up traffic in the left lane, they are just more spread out today.  You are still the fiber-supplement of the highway system, trying to get things moving.. (well not you, you're an asshole.. we're really talking about me here).

This ease of congestion today leads us to the first type of asshole, the ghost jackass.

This fool is usually found impeding traffic flow in the left lane, moving slow at the front of the line.  The car immediately behind him is usually several car lengths back- the driver day dreaming about unicorns and pixie dust, completely oblivious to the fact that there are 50 cars to the rear that want to get by this intestinal blockage of the highway. 

Work your way up to right behind this shitbag, easing onto the accelerator slightly, slowly closing the gap between your front bumper and his rear bumper.  The ghost jackass will actually eventually move over to the right, but thats not the end of your encounter with this sticky problem.  Once in the right lane, the ghost jackass becomes quite problematic and annoying.  It begins to look like you've made a new friend as this imbecile now speeds up to match your speed, riding right along in your blind spot.

Now you've been observing this blockhead for quite some time, waiting for him to get the fuck out of your way, never breaching a top speed of 60mph.  Yet somehow this buffoon has grown a new-found set of testicles, you look down at the speedometer, tapping 80mph and you're new friend is right there with you, riding your blind spot.  Too pussy to go fast on his own, perhaps fearing there may be police ahead, with you as his shield he will now stick to you like that crazy ex-girlfriend that just wont go away. 

Ah-hah, there is a slow-moving truck in the right lane that surely will foil his plan, but no, ghost jackass will do whatever it takes to not lose you, as you are a highly valuable asset to him.  With you in front, ghost jackass becomes an invincible force to be reckoned with, he can now push his car past the limits of the time-space continuum, weave through traffic like a master tailor weaves through fabric, he can withstand the awesome g-forces of his gas pedal, at his control as though he were a space-shuttle astronaut lifting off.  This numskull quickly cuts left to avoid the impending doom of the tractor trailer that will surely separate you two, now riding your bumper trying to push you to go faster, all the while this is still the same Bruce Banner that was moving 60mph, for a half hour in the left lane, not more than a mere 5 minutes ago.

You pass the semi, your quick thinking has you move right, figuring the incredible hulk behind the wheel of this ghost jackass 1996 Nissan Sentra (or whatever it may be) will simply pass you and move on.  But alas, this psychotic ex-girlfriend of a driver slows down, now riding your left blind spot, perhaps the hulk is no longer mad and has returned to his Bruce Banner-oracle DBA-average Joe Jackass self.  You're growing ever-closer to traffic in the right lane in front of you, ghost jackass riding right along, you're forced to slow down as this shit-for-brains is blocking your escape to the left lane.  Finally the right lane blockage has forced you to slow back down to under 60mph.  Ghost jackass, having returned to his natural comfort zone of 60mph in the left lane slowly eases past you, and you are forced to get back behind him.. starting this vicious cycle all over again.

When dealing with a ghost jackass, you have a few options.  You can speed up to mind-shattering speeds, ghost jackass will fall back either because his vehicle cant maintain those types of speeds, or you've just passed his level of insanity.  This method usually does not work for long, as you will inevitably hit more traffic and the ghost jackass will creep his way back up behind you.  You can simply grab the wheel and swing it right, pretending to not see the ghost jackass in your blind spot.  You can wait until ghost jackass gets up your ass and brake check the shit out of him.  The most effective way, however, is to introduce another variable.  This involves some closely planned timing and lots of observation.  Look for another assclown in the right lane that is on the verge of moving into the left to begin a new string of traffic-slowing terror, ideally with a slow-moving semi in front of him.  A quick pulse of acceleration to speed up and pass the new assclown before ghost jackass realizes whats going on.  If you planned and timed this right the new assclown will now move left, directly in front of ghost jackass.  The slow moving semi acts as your right lane shield, the slow moving assclown in front of ghost jackass allows you to hopefully put enough distance between you and ghost jackass for this cockhole to lose you on his radar.  Without you, he will return to his natural 60mph left-lane behavior, plotting and waiting for the next unlucky rockstar to pass him on the right.

If you are a ghost jackass, please do the human race a favor and go jump off a cliff.  Chances are no one likes you, you do nothing spectacular in life, and you ride the coat tails of everyone around you to advance in life.  Go away now.