Inspiring some of the worst kinds of road rage, another retard found on roads around here, king fuck of the asshole community, Judge Dredd of the highway - the vigilante.
Not enough balls to be a police officer, but that wont stop this jackass from attempting to enforce the law. Often found cutting over to the left lane to slow down the would-be johnny-on-time-to-work, this asshole is a viral plague of the highway.
The vigilante will do whatever is necessary to ensure you abide by the speed limit, which, regardless of highway signage, is coincidentally exactly how fast the vigilante wishes to go. Often times this pompous breed of highway herpes will blend in with the rest of the left lane retards. However in traffic he becomes much easier to identify, attempting to set a pace for the rest of us. With no one in front of him for 2 miles, he figures that by slowing the highway to a crawl of 30mph, traffic will simply ease itself away. God forbid you try to pass this undercover unofficial enforcer of the law, he will surely do whatever is in his power to make sure you dont get past.
Don't even think about going over 65mph in a 65mph zone with no traffic when the vigilante is near, he will simply stay left, pacing the car in the right lane to hinder your passage. The only thing this assclown responds to is absolute insane road rage. There are only a few ways around king fuck, ideally the driver to the right being paced is aware of the vigilante, in which case they will often times slow down or speed up to allow you to pass, however this is rare. Most often the only hope is a slow moving vehicle merging onto the highway, providing a quick break in right lane traffic for you to pass. But beware, the vigilante is often alert as well, and will cut right directly in front of you blocking your passage again.
This fool often causes its prey to turn into the previously mentioned Lunasstic, inspiring passing on shoulders. Beware, in severe cases the vigilante will himself drive half in the shoulder in a feeble attempt to block you.
If this is you, go die in a fire, you are a waste of life.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Luna(ss)tic & the Rain pussy
While I tout myself for being an excellent (fast) driver in all conditions, there are even times when I myself must slow down for the conditions. In the rare event that this happens, unlike all of you cocksuckers, I stay to the right.. today was one of those mornings.
Raining here pretty damn hard this morning, left for work late, so traffic was not as heavy as usual, although still totally fucked though due to the rain. These conditions are ideal for spotting the next fool on the list, the lunasstic..
This dumb shit for brains fool has absolutely no concern for safety, no concept of the issue of hydro-planing, has x-ray vision, formula-1 racecar training, and the ability to safely pilot his piece of shit car through the heaviest of downpours. This retard of the road weaves through traffic when conditions are absolutely horrid, heavy downpours with zero-visibility causing ponding water between lanes, nothing will stop Johnny Jackass from getting to Wendy's for his triple quarter pounder, even death. You'll again catch up with this fool when you finally get to the end of the traffic backup, the flashing lights of police cars and ambulances are a dead give away.
To balance the universe every force must have its opposing equal, this brings us to the Rain Pussy. Almost ALWAYS found in the left lane impeding traffic flow, even the slightest hint of moisture in the air will cause this half-brained asshole to slow down. God forbid its drizzling, it must be the end of the god damn world, how on earth are you supposed to drive in this shit? What the fuck will you do? Is you're life insurance paid up? What will come of your family?
Dumbass.
What fucking reason do you have for staying in the left lane? Oh thats right, you dont want anyone in front of you throwing up some road spray. Well news flash asshole, you cant avoid it, turn your wipers up a notch and move the fuck over. If you are not comfortable driving in the rain, then exit off the fucking highway and wait for it to pass. Don't slow down the rest of the world because you are worried your god damn all-wheel-drive subaru with brand new all-season tires on it cant handle a little light rain. You see, its actually pretty easy to drive in the rain, sit down children, its lesson time-
How to drive in the rain:
1) turn wipers and headlights on
2) continue on as normal
The end. If you cant understand that, go back to the DMV and return your drivers license, you shouldn't have it to begin with.
Raining here pretty damn hard this morning, left for work late, so traffic was not as heavy as usual, although still totally fucked though due to the rain. These conditions are ideal for spotting the next fool on the list, the lunasstic..
This dumb shit for brains fool has absolutely no concern for safety, no concept of the issue of hydro-planing, has x-ray vision, formula-1 racecar training, and the ability to safely pilot his piece of shit car through the heaviest of downpours. This retard of the road weaves through traffic when conditions are absolutely horrid, heavy downpours with zero-visibility causing ponding water between lanes, nothing will stop Johnny Jackass from getting to Wendy's for his triple quarter pounder, even death. You'll again catch up with this fool when you finally get to the end of the traffic backup, the flashing lights of police cars and ambulances are a dead give away.
To balance the universe every force must have its opposing equal, this brings us to the Rain Pussy. Almost ALWAYS found in the left lane impeding traffic flow, even the slightest hint of moisture in the air will cause this half-brained asshole to slow down. God forbid its drizzling, it must be the end of the god damn world, how on earth are you supposed to drive in this shit? What the fuck will you do? Is you're life insurance paid up? What will come of your family?
Dumbass.
What fucking reason do you have for staying in the left lane? Oh thats right, you dont want anyone in front of you throwing up some road spray. Well news flash asshole, you cant avoid it, turn your wipers up a notch and move the fuck over. If you are not comfortable driving in the rain, then exit off the fucking highway and wait for it to pass. Don't slow down the rest of the world because you are worried your god damn all-wheel-drive subaru with brand new all-season tires on it cant handle a little light rain. You see, its actually pretty easy to drive in the rain, sit down children, its lesson time-
How to drive in the rain:
1) turn wipers and headlights on
2) continue on as normal
The end. If you cant understand that, go back to the DMV and return your drivers license, you shouldn't have it to begin with.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
You should go to the bathroom...
...Because you're full of shit.
Today's spotlight is on this perfect twofer, the can't merge & can't exit douchebag.
You'll spot this one pretty easily, when traffic slows to a crawl approaching exit on and off ramps, this fool is to blame. Easier to identify on a less congested road, this rage inspiring, mentally defective bag of shit has absolutely no idea the concept of a deceleration/acceleration lane.
First, lets get into the technical details of an exit on/off ramp- there's not much too it. Most people tend to slow down to go around the sharp curves of an exit off ramp, when these were designed, this was kept in mind. Ever notice how on the highway there is an extra little lane that forms prior to the exit? Didn't think so jackass.. they put that there so you get over, THEN slow down to go around the exit ramp. It's that simple.
Just as easy to figure out, when you go to merge onto a highway- thats right, I said MERGE.. NOT stop- these genius engineers of our highway system almost always provide an -acceleration- lane. This is NOT a slow down and fucking stop lane, I know, hard to figure out right? Dumbass.
Take a moment and absorb that, if there is any room in that peanut sized brain of yours.
Now, with all of that fresh in your mind, why in the fuck can you people not understand how to fucking merge onto or off of a highway? Chaos ensues at every mother fucking interchange on the highway, its simple to avoid. If you are exiting, get over to the exit deceleration lane before you god fucking damn slow down! There is no need to bring the right lane of traffic down to 30mph just so you can get into the deceleration lane of the exit.
If you are merging, STEP ON THE GAS! Your car has at least 2 pedals, a gas and a brake, for a fucking reason. You speed up when you merge onto a HIGHWAY. When you STOP some other jackass, already on the highway- quite possibly one of your own cant merge people- will inevitably feel the need to also come to a stop to let you over. This by the way, is yet another thing you can learn from the Maryland drivers handbook, it specifically states that you are not supposed to fucking slow down the highway to let someone over.
It's not supposed to work like that, it does not work like that, you cause traffic, accidents and road rage. Learn to fucking drive before you get on the damn highway.
Now what about those no-merge lane on-ramps? Easy, use your fucking eyes. If you don't have them you should not be behind the wheel of a car. Get off the cell phone, stop drinking your Starbucks, and look as you are approaching the highway on the ramp, see an opening and pace yourself so that you can slide in WITHOUT slamming on the brakes. This might actually involve accelerating, so nut up already. Real complicated huh? Not really, you're just a dim-wit.
Now this pinheaded behavior is not limited to highways, the same applies to simple right-turn lanes at intersections. Ever notice when you are going to turn right from a side street onto a major road, there is usually that little white line that for some strange fucking reason forms a brief 200ft lane? Ever wonder why that is there?
Don't fucking sit in a right turn lane and wait for the fucking light to turn green, you back up traffic, and you're dumbassedness slows the few of us intelligent drivers down. You turn out into that 200ft lane, its there for, you guessed it, ACCELERATION. Get into that lane, and fucking step on the gas, merge into traffic. Some of you fuckfaces seem to think you need to turn right onto a two lane road, and simply bypass the right lane, going straight into the left. You sit there waiting for a big enough hole in traffic where you wont have to use the gas pedal, this behavior is completely fucking unacceptable. Here's a news flash, if you use the acceleration lane as intended, speed up and merge into traffic, you can then get over to the left lane. Although no one wants you there.
As an addition, it is completely un-fucking-acceptable to simply drive in the left lane of the highway in fear of merging traffic. Or to wait until the last minute to move from left to right lane to exit. If you know your exit is coming up, get the fuck over ahead of time, if you dont know - then you shouldnt be in the left lane anyway you fuckbag. Yet all of you fucking morons do it, get off the highway, you are the problem, asshole.
Today's spotlight is on this perfect twofer, the can't merge & can't exit douchebag.
You'll spot this one pretty easily, when traffic slows to a crawl approaching exit on and off ramps, this fool is to blame. Easier to identify on a less congested road, this rage inspiring, mentally defective bag of shit has absolutely no idea the concept of a deceleration/acceleration lane.
First, lets get into the technical details of an exit on/off ramp- there's not much too it. Most people tend to slow down to go around the sharp curves of an exit off ramp, when these were designed, this was kept in mind. Ever notice how on the highway there is an extra little lane that forms prior to the exit? Didn't think so jackass.. they put that there so you get over, THEN slow down to go around the exit ramp. It's that simple.
Just as easy to figure out, when you go to merge onto a highway- thats right, I said MERGE.. NOT stop- these genius engineers of our highway system almost always provide an -acceleration- lane. This is NOT a slow down and fucking stop lane, I know, hard to figure out right? Dumbass.
Take a moment and absorb that, if there is any room in that peanut sized brain of yours.
Now, with all of that fresh in your mind, why in the fuck can you people not understand how to fucking merge onto or off of a highway? Chaos ensues at every mother fucking interchange on the highway, its simple to avoid. If you are exiting, get over to the exit deceleration lane before you god fucking damn slow down! There is no need to bring the right lane of traffic down to 30mph just so you can get into the deceleration lane of the exit.
If you are merging, STEP ON THE GAS! Your car has at least 2 pedals, a gas and a brake, for a fucking reason. You speed up when you merge onto a HIGHWAY. When you STOP some other jackass, already on the highway- quite possibly one of your own cant merge people- will inevitably feel the need to also come to a stop to let you over. This by the way, is yet another thing you can learn from the Maryland drivers handbook, it specifically states that you are not supposed to fucking slow down the highway to let someone over.
It's not supposed to work like that, it does not work like that, you cause traffic, accidents and road rage. Learn to fucking drive before you get on the damn highway.
Now what about those no-merge lane on-ramps? Easy, use your fucking eyes. If you don't have them you should not be behind the wheel of a car. Get off the cell phone, stop drinking your Starbucks, and look as you are approaching the highway on the ramp, see an opening and pace yourself so that you can slide in WITHOUT slamming on the brakes. This might actually involve accelerating, so nut up already. Real complicated huh? Not really, you're just a dim-wit.
Now this pinheaded behavior is not limited to highways, the same applies to simple right-turn lanes at intersections. Ever notice when you are going to turn right from a side street onto a major road, there is usually that little white line that for some strange fucking reason forms a brief 200ft lane? Ever wonder why that is there?
Don't fucking sit in a right turn lane and wait for the fucking light to turn green, you back up traffic, and you're dumbassedness slows the few of us intelligent drivers down. You turn out into that 200ft lane, its there for, you guessed it, ACCELERATION. Get into that lane, and fucking step on the gas, merge into traffic. Some of you fuckfaces seem to think you need to turn right onto a two lane road, and simply bypass the right lane, going straight into the left. You sit there waiting for a big enough hole in traffic where you wont have to use the gas pedal, this behavior is completely fucking unacceptable. Here's a news flash, if you use the acceleration lane as intended, speed up and merge into traffic, you can then get over to the left lane. Although no one wants you there.
As an addition, it is completely un-fucking-acceptable to simply drive in the left lane of the highway in fear of merging traffic. Or to wait until the last minute to move from left to right lane to exit. If you know your exit is coming up, get the fuck over ahead of time, if you dont know - then you shouldnt be in the left lane anyway you fuckbag. Yet all of you fucking morons do it, get off the highway, you are the problem, asshole.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The ghost jackass.
This week lets focus on the different types of jackasses on the roads around here.
Traffic is light today, its a federal holiday so the roads are less congested. Although with that said, there is still just as much traffic, just as many assholes blocking up traffic in the left lane, they are just more spread out today. You are still the fiber-supplement of the highway system, trying to get things moving.. (well not you, you're an asshole.. we're really talking about me here).
This ease of congestion today leads us to the first type of asshole, the ghost jackass.
This fool is usually found impeding traffic flow in the left lane, moving slow at the front of the line. The car immediately behind him is usually several car lengths back- the driver day dreaming about unicorns and pixie dust, completely oblivious to the fact that there are 50 cars to the rear that want to get by this intestinal blockage of the highway.
Work your way up to right behind this shitbag, easing onto the accelerator slightly, slowly closing the gap between your front bumper and his rear bumper. The ghost jackass will actually eventually move over to the right, but thats not the end of your encounter with this sticky problem. Once in the right lane, the ghost jackass becomes quite problematic and annoying. It begins to look like you've made a new friend as this imbecile now speeds up to match your speed, riding right along in your blind spot.
Now you've been observing this blockhead for quite some time, waiting for him to get the fuck out of your way, never breaching a top speed of 60mph. Yet somehow this buffoon has grown a new-found set of testicles, you look down at the speedometer, tapping 80mph and you're new friend is right there with you, riding your blind spot. Too pussy to go fast on his own, perhaps fearing there may be police ahead, with you as his shield he will now stick to you like that crazy ex-girlfriend that just wont go away.
Ah-hah, there is a slow-moving truck in the right lane that surely will foil his plan, but no, ghost jackass will do whatever it takes to not lose you, as you are a highly valuable asset to him. With you in front, ghost jackass becomes an invincible force to be reckoned with, he can now push his car past the limits of the time-space continuum, weave through traffic like a master tailor weaves through fabric, he can withstand the awesome g-forces of his gas pedal, at his control as though he were a space-shuttle astronaut lifting off. This numskull quickly cuts left to avoid the impending doom of the tractor trailer that will surely separate you two, now riding your bumper trying to push you to go faster, all the while this is still the same Bruce Banner that was moving 60mph, for a half hour in the left lane, not more than a mere 5 minutes ago.
You pass the semi, your quick thinking has you move right, figuring the incredible hulk behind the wheel of this ghost jackass 1996 Nissan Sentra (or whatever it may be) will simply pass you and move on. But alas, this psychotic ex-girlfriend of a driver slows down, now riding your left blind spot, perhaps the hulk is no longer mad and has returned to his Bruce Banner-oracle DBA-average Joe Jackass self. You're growing ever-closer to traffic in the right lane in front of you, ghost jackass riding right along, you're forced to slow down as this shit-for-brains is blocking your escape to the left lane. Finally the right lane blockage has forced you to slow back down to under 60mph. Ghost jackass, having returned to his natural comfort zone of 60mph in the left lane slowly eases past you, and you are forced to get back behind him.. starting this vicious cycle all over again.
When dealing with a ghost jackass, you have a few options. You can speed up to mind-shattering speeds, ghost jackass will fall back either because his vehicle cant maintain those types of speeds, or you've just passed his level of insanity. This method usually does not work for long, as you will inevitably hit more traffic and the ghost jackass will creep his way back up behind you. You can simply grab the wheel and swing it right, pretending to not see the ghost jackass in your blind spot. You can wait until ghost jackass gets up your ass and brake check the shit out of him. The most effective way, however, is to introduce another variable. This involves some closely planned timing and lots of observation. Look for another assclown in the right lane that is on the verge of moving into the left to begin a new string of traffic-slowing terror, ideally with a slow-moving semi in front of him. A quick pulse of acceleration to speed up and pass the new assclown before ghost jackass realizes whats going on. If you planned and timed this right the new assclown will now move left, directly in front of ghost jackass. The slow moving semi acts as your right lane shield, the slow moving assclown in front of ghost jackass allows you to hopefully put enough distance between you and ghost jackass for this cockhole to lose you on his radar. Without you, he will return to his natural 60mph left-lane behavior, plotting and waiting for the next unlucky rockstar to pass him on the right.
If you are a ghost jackass, please do the human race a favor and go jump off a cliff. Chances are no one likes you, you do nothing spectacular in life, and you ride the coat tails of everyone around you to advance in life. Go away now.
Traffic is light today, its a federal holiday so the roads are less congested. Although with that said, there is still just as much traffic, just as many assholes blocking up traffic in the left lane, they are just more spread out today. You are still the fiber-supplement of the highway system, trying to get things moving.. (well not you, you're an asshole.. we're really talking about me here).
This ease of congestion today leads us to the first type of asshole, the ghost jackass.
This fool is usually found impeding traffic flow in the left lane, moving slow at the front of the line. The car immediately behind him is usually several car lengths back- the driver day dreaming about unicorns and pixie dust, completely oblivious to the fact that there are 50 cars to the rear that want to get by this intestinal blockage of the highway.
Work your way up to right behind this shitbag, easing onto the accelerator slightly, slowly closing the gap between your front bumper and his rear bumper. The ghost jackass will actually eventually move over to the right, but thats not the end of your encounter with this sticky problem. Once in the right lane, the ghost jackass becomes quite problematic and annoying. It begins to look like you've made a new friend as this imbecile now speeds up to match your speed, riding right along in your blind spot.
Now you've been observing this blockhead for quite some time, waiting for him to get the fuck out of your way, never breaching a top speed of 60mph. Yet somehow this buffoon has grown a new-found set of testicles, you look down at the speedometer, tapping 80mph and you're new friend is right there with you, riding your blind spot. Too pussy to go fast on his own, perhaps fearing there may be police ahead, with you as his shield he will now stick to you like that crazy ex-girlfriend that just wont go away.
Ah-hah, there is a slow-moving truck in the right lane that surely will foil his plan, but no, ghost jackass will do whatever it takes to not lose you, as you are a highly valuable asset to him. With you in front, ghost jackass becomes an invincible force to be reckoned with, he can now push his car past the limits of the time-space continuum, weave through traffic like a master tailor weaves through fabric, he can withstand the awesome g-forces of his gas pedal, at his control as though he were a space-shuttle astronaut lifting off. This numskull quickly cuts left to avoid the impending doom of the tractor trailer that will surely separate you two, now riding your bumper trying to push you to go faster, all the while this is still the same Bruce Banner that was moving 60mph, for a half hour in the left lane, not more than a mere 5 minutes ago.
You pass the semi, your quick thinking has you move right, figuring the incredible hulk behind the wheel of this ghost jackass 1996 Nissan Sentra (or whatever it may be) will simply pass you and move on. But alas, this psychotic ex-girlfriend of a driver slows down, now riding your left blind spot, perhaps the hulk is no longer mad and has returned to his Bruce Banner-oracle DBA-average Joe Jackass self. You're growing ever-closer to traffic in the right lane in front of you, ghost jackass riding right along, you're forced to slow down as this shit-for-brains is blocking your escape to the left lane. Finally the right lane blockage has forced you to slow back down to under 60mph. Ghost jackass, having returned to his natural comfort zone of 60mph in the left lane slowly eases past you, and you are forced to get back behind him.. starting this vicious cycle all over again.
When dealing with a ghost jackass, you have a few options. You can speed up to mind-shattering speeds, ghost jackass will fall back either because his vehicle cant maintain those types of speeds, or you've just passed his level of insanity. This method usually does not work for long, as you will inevitably hit more traffic and the ghost jackass will creep his way back up behind you. You can simply grab the wheel and swing it right, pretending to not see the ghost jackass in your blind spot. You can wait until ghost jackass gets up your ass and brake check the shit out of him. The most effective way, however, is to introduce another variable. This involves some closely planned timing and lots of observation. Look for another assclown in the right lane that is on the verge of moving into the left to begin a new string of traffic-slowing terror, ideally with a slow-moving semi in front of him. A quick pulse of acceleration to speed up and pass the new assclown before ghost jackass realizes whats going on. If you planned and timed this right the new assclown will now move left, directly in front of ghost jackass. The slow moving semi acts as your right lane shield, the slow moving assclown in front of ghost jackass allows you to hopefully put enough distance between you and ghost jackass for this cockhole to lose you on his radar. Without you, he will return to his natural 60mph left-lane behavior, plotting and waiting for the next unlucky rockstar to pass him on the right.
If you are a ghost jackass, please do the human race a favor and go jump off a cliff. Chances are no one likes you, you do nothing spectacular in life, and you ride the coat tails of everyone around you to advance in life. Go away now.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Oh shit, stop everything, call the press.. they're cutting grass on 270!
I-270 Northbound, on a daily basis, gets dangerous between exits 18 and 22. There's a lane drop, a truck weigh station, and about eleventy billion morons with drivers licenses. Add that all up and its one real shitty bottle neck that doesnt clear up until you get past Frederick on Route 15.
Today, however, a crew was out mowing the grass (which Maryland has really let go lately.. ). Now on top of everyone already being a dumbass, something out of the normal going on makes it 1000 times worse.
Do not fucking slow down to look at people cutting the damn grass. It's Friday, and I've got shit to do, so that is all... you fucking assholes.
Today, however, a crew was out mowing the grass (which Maryland has really let go lately.. ). Now on top of everyone already being a dumbass, something out of the normal going on makes it 1000 times worse.
Do not fucking slow down to look at people cutting the damn grass. It's Friday, and I've got shit to do, so that is all... you fucking assholes.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
If you're from Pennsylvania, you might be a jackass.
A lot of the time when I'm driving home from work, I fantasize about running some chain-link fence across the MD/PA border on Route 15. I figure it would save everyone coming up 270 about 10-15 minutes one-way.
Around here, the only drivers even close to as bad as PA drivers, are Virginia drivers. But that is a topic for another day, perhaps one when VA drivers piss me off this much.
My entire drive to and from work is plagued with not only idiot drivers from Maryland, but a collection of assholes from every other one of the continental US, I also see a lot of Quebec and even a few Hawaii and Alaska. Summer time is bad for this, lots of people on the summer vacation, dumbfucks that default to the left lane because they have no idea where they are and where they are going. But out of all of this, not one single state has drivers as completely blind and retarded as PA.
You see, I'm not the only one that things this way.. I've heard many people bitch about this. What in the FUCK is wrong with you PA people? Why on earth do you get in the left lane, drive either exactly the speed limit or slower, and REFUSE to move right? Today's drive home, which started pretty early in the afternoon, was fucked, totally fucked. Absolutely nothing on earth pisses me off more than being far back in a big chain of cars in the left lane, looking ahead and seeing one worthless piece of shit at the front moving 50mph, no one in front of him/her, and not getting the fuck out of the way for anything. All of the lemmings fall in line and follow.. a few of them, like me, get pissed, start trying to weave through the right lanes for a little chance of getting past.
Now when this happens, and the asshole is not driving a prius, you can almost bank on it being someone with PA tags, or a fucking double whammy, a prius with PA tags ( see previous post for prius rant). Today, I had the pleasure of spending 30 FUCKING MILES stuck in slow moving traffic, the front of this line was a Black Honda Accord, with, you guessed it, PA tags. Now in this mess of cars behind the accord, roughly 30 cars between me and her at first, there were plenty of other PA tagged vehicles, all of which, perfectly ok with going 50mph. I found this out in my journey to the front of the line, the closer I got to the front, the more disgusted I became. A total of 3 PA tagged vehicles in the left lane, over time, each one became its own lead car, spaced out from the next group of cars. I made my way to the rear bumper of every single one, spent about 5 minutes behind each, waiting for the adjacent right lane to open up so they -could- move over.. and nothing.
If there is enough space, I'll give someone about 60 seconds to move right, if theres no signs of it, then I will pass on the right. Now, again, I am not the only person angry with these fools, others much more than I. You would think every single person going around you to the right, then purposely cutting you off would clue the PA drivers in, but no.
Back to queen cunt of shit mountain, the bitch in the accord as I came to think of her. While I had left early, by the time I hit the lane drop on 270 it was getting later into the afternoon, and congestion was growing worse. She continued to refuse to move out of the right, there were still 5 cars between her and I. Every single one of those cars, absolute idiot driving. Thanks to congestion, while there were plenty of opportunities for her to move right, there was not enough room to pass. She continued to twiddle her twat in the left lane until the first exit for Frederick... 30 fucking miles of left lane witchery before she finally, finally moved right. Dumb bitch single handedly took away 10-15 minutes of my life if not more (gets complicated when you start factoring in going faster means being further ahead of the rush hour traffic..).
I was sure to give her a nice round of applause (literally) as I passed her.. I find that gets the point across better than one-finger gestures.
------------
Today's fuck off and die shoutout goes out to you, state of Maryland. You dumb fucking shit for brain cock sucking morons. 270 is plagued with a few overhead electronic signs, you'd think by now the Maryland state highway administration would have figured out that when you put a blinking message on those boards at rush hour, it causes chaos and panic from every single dumbfuck on the road (basically just about everyone). People slam on their brakes, traffic comes to a stop, rush hour starts 30 minutes earlier because you wanted to say "click it or ticket", and accidents literally happen because of the sudden stops.
What did this sign say today? An alternating - "Don't drive distracted" and "No Texting No handheld devices"
Genius idea.. assholes.
Around here, the only drivers even close to as bad as PA drivers, are Virginia drivers. But that is a topic for another day, perhaps one when VA drivers piss me off this much.
My entire drive to and from work is plagued with not only idiot drivers from Maryland, but a collection of assholes from every other one of the continental US, I also see a lot of Quebec and even a few Hawaii and Alaska. Summer time is bad for this, lots of people on the summer vacation, dumbfucks that default to the left lane because they have no idea where they are and where they are going. But out of all of this, not one single state has drivers as completely blind and retarded as PA.
You see, I'm not the only one that things this way.. I've heard many people bitch about this. What in the FUCK is wrong with you PA people? Why on earth do you get in the left lane, drive either exactly the speed limit or slower, and REFUSE to move right? Today's drive home, which started pretty early in the afternoon, was fucked, totally fucked. Absolutely nothing on earth pisses me off more than being far back in a big chain of cars in the left lane, looking ahead and seeing one worthless piece of shit at the front moving 50mph, no one in front of him/her, and not getting the fuck out of the way for anything. All of the lemmings fall in line and follow.. a few of them, like me, get pissed, start trying to weave through the right lanes for a little chance of getting past.
Now when this happens, and the asshole is not driving a prius, you can almost bank on it being someone with PA tags, or a fucking double whammy, a prius with PA tags ( see previous post for prius rant). Today, I had the pleasure of spending 30 FUCKING MILES stuck in slow moving traffic, the front of this line was a Black Honda Accord, with, you guessed it, PA tags. Now in this mess of cars behind the accord, roughly 30 cars between me and her at first, there were plenty of other PA tagged vehicles, all of which, perfectly ok with going 50mph. I found this out in my journey to the front of the line, the closer I got to the front, the more disgusted I became. A total of 3 PA tagged vehicles in the left lane, over time, each one became its own lead car, spaced out from the next group of cars. I made my way to the rear bumper of every single one, spent about 5 minutes behind each, waiting for the adjacent right lane to open up so they -could- move over.. and nothing.
If there is enough space, I'll give someone about 60 seconds to move right, if theres no signs of it, then I will pass on the right. Now, again, I am not the only person angry with these fools, others much more than I. You would think every single person going around you to the right, then purposely cutting you off would clue the PA drivers in, but no.
Back to queen cunt of shit mountain, the bitch in the accord as I came to think of her. While I had left early, by the time I hit the lane drop on 270 it was getting later into the afternoon, and congestion was growing worse. She continued to refuse to move out of the right, there were still 5 cars between her and I. Every single one of those cars, absolute idiot driving. Thanks to congestion, while there were plenty of opportunities for her to move right, there was not enough room to pass. She continued to twiddle her twat in the left lane until the first exit for Frederick... 30 fucking miles of left lane witchery before she finally, finally moved right. Dumb bitch single handedly took away 10-15 minutes of my life if not more (gets complicated when you start factoring in going faster means being further ahead of the rush hour traffic..).
I was sure to give her a nice round of applause (literally) as I passed her.. I find that gets the point across better than one-finger gestures.
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Today's fuck off and die shoutout goes out to you, state of Maryland. You dumb fucking shit for brain cock sucking morons. 270 is plagued with a few overhead electronic signs, you'd think by now the Maryland state highway administration would have figured out that when you put a blinking message on those boards at rush hour, it causes chaos and panic from every single dumbfuck on the road (basically just about everyone). People slam on their brakes, traffic comes to a stop, rush hour starts 30 minutes earlier because you wanted to say "click it or ticket", and accidents literally happen because of the sudden stops.
What did this sign say today? An alternating - "Don't drive distracted" and "No Texting No handheld devices"
Genius idea.. assholes.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The left lane.. its the new right lane!
Ok, really? You're all fucking idiots.
Yes, congestion is a traffic problem, but guess what.. congestion is made exponentially worse by you.
It's pretty bad that you can pretty much bank on the right lane being substantially faster than the left. Its not because everyone is going faster in the right lane, but because traffic is so much more spaced out. This way, whenever there's a police car, accident, empty car in the shoulder, or blade of fucking grass in the median- and all of the Lemmings must slam on their brakes in awe- the traffic in the right lane closes in those gaps.
Moving about 40mph, coming down a hill on I-270 today I got a real nice view of this. About 200 cars in the left lane, all fucking Lemmings, perfectly content with moving 40mph because the guy at the front of the line is a fucking jackass and has absolutely no right to be behind the wheel of a car. Hi, welcome to the highway, asshole. In the right lane, about 20 cars spaced out the length of the 200 in the left lane. Absolutely no cars in front of the "pace car" on 270, and about a solid 500 ft ahead of the nearest car in the right lane. Not only do we have king jackass attempting to start the morning rush hour, but then we have the rest of you morons behind him, either too scared to pass, or so zoned out on your starbucks and blackberry's to realize what the fuck is going on.
Maybe I'm the only one that remembers this from the Maryland drivers hand book, but it pretty clearly states the left lane is only for passing. In fact just about every state has a law stating the left lane is for passing, why do you think that is? You see when the interstate system was created, it was designed for 70mph, and the guys that made it actually were not assholes, they didn't like fucktards slowing them down either. They figured, "hm, what could go wrong here? Oh shit I know, uncle Jeb's a little slow in the head, he's gonna get out here and drive 40mph... better make a rule that takes care of that." There are signs all over the highway that say "SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT." Oh, you get it now? Here's a news flash, YOU are the slower traffic, so move over.
Now, with that said, we have the next type of dipshit- the intentional cocksucker. First take a look at the web address here, "moveprius.blogspot.com." Now Google the term "prius slow left lane," look at the discussion results you get. These diddly-shit peckers apparently get stock in the highway system when they buy a prius, they must own it, because they do whatever they want. Some report PURPOSELY slowing down traffic because "55mph is the most fuel efficient speed, so I'll make everyone get better gas mileage." Others drive in the left lane and do stupid shit to "hyper-mile" (this is a stupid hybrid car term, meaning to attempt to get the best mpg possible). When they hyper-mile some try this "Pulse & Glide" technique, where they slow to ridiculously slow speeds and pulse the accelerator to charge their batteries, so they can go even slower on battery only, with absolutely no respect for any other person on the highway. Another well-published, and absolutely moronic prius method is called "ridge riding." The wily prius owner will purposely drive with tires on one side of the car on the paint stripe. This is to "reduce drag.." ok, really? I couldnt even make this shit up, google it.. these people are not right.
You see Prius owners, most anyway, are brainwashed by the fancy computer in their car, turns driving into a game for them. "Ohhh lets see how much mpg I can get today on my 15mile drive to work, if I go 40 in a 65 it only takes me an extra 5 minutes to get to work/home, F everyone else". And then these little whiny bitches go on their prius forums and complain about "prius haters." News flash you pricks, we don't hate your prius, we hate the way you are driving. We're not jealous of your MPG, we're mad because you will not get the fuck out of the way. Maybe you're driving in the right lane, but your prius buddy up 20 cars ahead, in the left lane, is doing the same exact shit, between the two of you you are now creating a traffic jam.
I've thought about getting a prius many times, despite the fact that its one of the most ugly cars I've seen since the original Pontiac Aztek (which coincidentally looks like a prius on steroids), it gets 40-50mpg driving -FAST-, I dont need 70mpg. What is that really saving you, ever done the math? Not sure about you but my time is fucking expensive. But yes, I have thought about buying a prius, I have not because I actually need a car with passing power, because I have to weave around you shitfucks, or maybe its fear that I too will become one of the brainwashed pod people that devotes my life to saving $0.14 on every drive to work by taking an extra hour. And who the fuck decided these assholes get to drive in the HOV lanes? They already drive like assholes to get 70mpg and used to get huge tax credits (may still, dont know, dont care), why in the fuck would we let these assholes into the left-most lane? Sure good idea, now when they need to get over to exit, since they are all too busy watching their fuel computers they wait till the last minute, then either stop the HOV lane to merge into slower traffic, or slow down faster traffic in the non-HOV lanes slamming on their brakes to get over at the last minute. This is not a prius-specific phenomena, but I'm on a prius rant so roll with it.
Just to be clear though, the Prius -driver- is only a part of the problem, there are still more dumbasses with normal gas vehicles than there are dumbasses with hybrids. It is starting to get funny, I listen to WTOP for an hour or more in the morning on my drive to work. It is a necessity with traffic around here, you cant just listen to the traffic report on you're way out the door, you need to keep tabs on traffic the entire drive so you can divert and reroute if need be. Quite often they have some type of traffic related question for their "WTOP talkback line," and quite often you'll get Johnny Jackass calling saying "I drive 50mph in the left lane, the speed limit is 55, you are breaking the law if you go faster." You, Johnny Jackass, you are the problem, maybe you should take a look at the traffic laws again, as I said before, the LAW is that the left lane to only be used for passing, and that you MUST move right for faster traffic. Look at that, you're breaking the law. God damn hypocritical pricks.. Luckily there are no shortage of callers arguing my side, "you can go slow, do it somewhere other than a highway", "the left lane is the passing lane", "just get out of the way", or something similar..
The solution to the world's traffic problems is simple- make every road have 2 lanes in each direction, abolish all traffic laws with the exception of move right for faster traffic, and STRICTLY enforce that law. If you slap $5000 fines on people for not moving right, you better believe most of the congestion will clear up. Even better, with no other traffic laws it would now be legal to give the car in front of you a little courtesy tap.. just in case they didn't realize you were trying to pass them.
Keep the shiny side up, and out of my way.
-----------
Today's Captain Douchebag award goes to you, driver of the Silver Nissan Sentra, MD tags, getting off at my exit on I-66... Once I get off the highway, I have to merge into traffic, and get over to the far left turn lane in a matter of about 150 ft. In 6 years of working in this office, I have never once had a problem doing that, until you came along, sunshine. You too needed to get to the far turn lane, but unlike myself (or anyone else with half a brain), instead of speeding up to the speed of traffic to merge, you slow down and almost get rear ended cutting into traffic. Somehow you successfully played your game of frogger and got over to the far left turn lane without going over 5mph, unfortunately though you fucked up traffic so much I could not get over, first time in six fucking years. Had to take the long- back way around to get where I was going, much to my surprise to arrive at my work parking lot the same time as you. Too bad you were going to another building, I'd have loved the opportunity to explain merging to you, just as well though, I do not speak Spanish.
Yes, congestion is a traffic problem, but guess what.. congestion is made exponentially worse by you.
It's pretty bad that you can pretty much bank on the right lane being substantially faster than the left. Its not because everyone is going faster in the right lane, but because traffic is so much more spaced out. This way, whenever there's a police car, accident, empty car in the shoulder, or blade of fucking grass in the median- and all of the Lemmings must slam on their brakes in awe- the traffic in the right lane closes in those gaps.
Moving about 40mph, coming down a hill on I-270 today I got a real nice view of this. About 200 cars in the left lane, all fucking Lemmings, perfectly content with moving 40mph because the guy at the front of the line is a fucking jackass and has absolutely no right to be behind the wheel of a car. Hi, welcome to the highway, asshole. In the right lane, about 20 cars spaced out the length of the 200 in the left lane. Absolutely no cars in front of the "pace car" on 270, and about a solid 500 ft ahead of the nearest car in the right lane. Not only do we have king jackass attempting to start the morning rush hour, but then we have the rest of you morons behind him, either too scared to pass, or so zoned out on your starbucks and blackberry's to realize what the fuck is going on.
Maybe I'm the only one that remembers this from the Maryland drivers hand book, but it pretty clearly states the left lane is only for passing. In fact just about every state has a law stating the left lane is for passing, why do you think that is? You see when the interstate system was created, it was designed for 70mph, and the guys that made it actually were not assholes, they didn't like fucktards slowing them down either. They figured, "hm, what could go wrong here? Oh shit I know, uncle Jeb's a little slow in the head, he's gonna get out here and drive 40mph... better make a rule that takes care of that." There are signs all over the highway that say "SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT." Oh, you get it now? Here's a news flash, YOU are the slower traffic, so move over.
Now, with that said, we have the next type of dipshit- the intentional cocksucker. First take a look at the web address here, "moveprius.blogspot.com." Now Google the term "prius slow left lane," look at the discussion results you get. These diddly-shit peckers apparently get stock in the highway system when they buy a prius, they must own it, because they do whatever they want. Some report PURPOSELY slowing down traffic because "55mph is the most fuel efficient speed, so I'll make everyone get better gas mileage." Others drive in the left lane and do stupid shit to "hyper-mile" (this is a stupid hybrid car term, meaning to attempt to get the best mpg possible). When they hyper-mile some try this "Pulse & Glide" technique, where they slow to ridiculously slow speeds and pulse the accelerator to charge their batteries, so they can go even slower on battery only, with absolutely no respect for any other person on the highway. Another well-published, and absolutely moronic prius method is called "ridge riding." The wily prius owner will purposely drive with tires on one side of the car on the paint stripe. This is to "reduce drag.." ok, really? I couldnt even make this shit up, google it.. these people are not right.
You see Prius owners, most anyway, are brainwashed by the fancy computer in their car, turns driving into a game for them. "Ohhh lets see how much mpg I can get today on my 15mile drive to work, if I go 40 in a 65 it only takes me an extra 5 minutes to get to work/home, F everyone else". And then these little whiny bitches go on their prius forums and complain about "prius haters." News flash you pricks, we don't hate your prius, we hate the way you are driving. We're not jealous of your MPG, we're mad because you will not get the fuck out of the way. Maybe you're driving in the right lane, but your prius buddy up 20 cars ahead, in the left lane, is doing the same exact shit, between the two of you you are now creating a traffic jam.
I've thought about getting a prius many times, despite the fact that its one of the most ugly cars I've seen since the original Pontiac Aztek (which coincidentally looks like a prius on steroids), it gets 40-50mpg driving -FAST-, I dont need 70mpg. What is that really saving you, ever done the math? Not sure about you but my time is fucking expensive. But yes, I have thought about buying a prius, I have not because I actually need a car with passing power, because I have to weave around you shitfucks, or maybe its fear that I too will become one of the brainwashed pod people that devotes my life to saving $0.14 on every drive to work by taking an extra hour. And who the fuck decided these assholes get to drive in the HOV lanes? They already drive like assholes to get 70mpg and used to get huge tax credits (may still, dont know, dont care), why in the fuck would we let these assholes into the left-most lane? Sure good idea, now when they need to get over to exit, since they are all too busy watching their fuel computers they wait till the last minute, then either stop the HOV lane to merge into slower traffic, or slow down faster traffic in the non-HOV lanes slamming on their brakes to get over at the last minute. This is not a prius-specific phenomena, but I'm on a prius rant so roll with it.
Just to be clear though, the Prius -driver- is only a part of the problem, there are still more dumbasses with normal gas vehicles than there are dumbasses with hybrids. It is starting to get funny, I listen to WTOP for an hour or more in the morning on my drive to work. It is a necessity with traffic around here, you cant just listen to the traffic report on you're way out the door, you need to keep tabs on traffic the entire drive so you can divert and reroute if need be. Quite often they have some type of traffic related question for their "WTOP talkback line," and quite often you'll get Johnny Jackass calling saying "I drive 50mph in the left lane, the speed limit is 55, you are breaking the law if you go faster." You, Johnny Jackass, you are the problem, maybe you should take a look at the traffic laws again, as I said before, the LAW is that the left lane to only be used for passing, and that you MUST move right for faster traffic. Look at that, you're breaking the law. God damn hypocritical pricks.. Luckily there are no shortage of callers arguing my side, "you can go slow, do it somewhere other than a highway", "the left lane is the passing lane", "just get out of the way", or something similar..
The solution to the world's traffic problems is simple- make every road have 2 lanes in each direction, abolish all traffic laws with the exception of move right for faster traffic, and STRICTLY enforce that law. If you slap $5000 fines on people for not moving right, you better believe most of the congestion will clear up. Even better, with no other traffic laws it would now be legal to give the car in front of you a little courtesy tap.. just in case they didn't realize you were trying to pass them.
Keep the shiny side up, and out of my way.
-----------
Today's Captain Douchebag award goes to you, driver of the Silver Nissan Sentra, MD tags, getting off at my exit on I-66... Once I get off the highway, I have to merge into traffic, and get over to the far left turn lane in a matter of about 150 ft. In 6 years of working in this office, I have never once had a problem doing that, until you came along, sunshine. You too needed to get to the far turn lane, but unlike myself (or anyone else with half a brain), instead of speeding up to the speed of traffic to merge, you slow down and almost get rear ended cutting into traffic. Somehow you successfully played your game of frogger and got over to the far left turn lane without going over 5mph, unfortunately though you fucked up traffic so much I could not get over, first time in six fucking years. Had to take the long- back way around to get where I was going, much to my surprise to arrive at my work parking lot the same time as you. Too bad you were going to another building, I'd have loved the opportunity to explain merging to you, just as well though, I do not speak Spanish.
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